Inzamam: Mock interview

On mail, from Asma Mirza (Pakistan)

Read this hilarious discussion with Inzamam-ul-Haq

Interviewer: Hello Inzi …
Inzi: Bismillah-ur-Rehman-ur-Rahim … first, thanks to Almighty Allah for this interview and …Interviewer: Of course … so tell us, what made you finally resign your captaincy and retire from One-Day cricket?
Inzi: Bismillah-ur-Rehman-ur-Rahim … firstly, thanks to Almighty Allah, the boys prayed well....
Interviewer: You mean the boys played well …
Inzi: No, the boys prayed well …
Interviewer: Okay, *but they did not play well …
Inzi: No, first comes praying and thanks to Mushy, Saeed Anwar, Yusuf and Junaid Jamshed for leading ba-jamaat prayers …
Interviewer: But you guys are paid to play, not to pray.
Inzi: No, only Bob, Danish and Shoaib Akhtar play because they don't pray …but thanks to Almighty Allah, rest of boys prayed well, especially Yusuf and Yunus and Rana and myself who were in good praying form and inshallah we will win this year's Raiwind Tableegh Cup with help from coaching of Mushy and Saeed Anwar.
Interviewer: Right. Now, can we talk about cricket for a change?
Inzi: Why?
Interviewer: What do you mean, why? You're a professional cricketer!
Inzi: Bismillah-ur-Rehman-ur-Rahim, firstly thanks to Pepsi, 160 million peoples hearts were in their mouths when we beat India at Banglore …
Interviewer: That was two years ago.
Inzi: Yes, I know … I also learn math in madressa …
Interviewer: Right. So, what went wrong at the World Cup?
Inzi: Boys prayed well.
Interviewer: I don't care how they prayed, tell me why did you and the boys play so badly. Why were you guys so spineless?
Inzi: Rumors and propaganda … only lies, that's all!
Interviewer: What lies and propaganda?
Inzi: That boys don't have spine. Thanks to Almighty Allah all boys have spine! Tomorrow they will say boys don't have leg, arm and groin … all nonsense!
Interviewer: Inzi, I was talking metaphorically.
Inzi: Yes … Metavetabally … thanks to Dr. Naseem Phd. MBBS, LLB, Advocate, boys spine, arm, leg, groin intact!
Interviewer: So, about the World Cup debacle. What went wrong?
Inzi: Bob died.
Interviewer: Yes, but the poor chap died after you guys crashed out of the World Cup.
Inzi: Very unfortunate his death … very unfortunate. I think it was indigestion.
Interviewer: But he died after you guys lost to West Indies and Ireland …and he did not die of indigestion. He died of stress.
Inzi: No, no, Bob did not have stress fracture …
Interviewer: Sigh. Why, because he prayed well too!
Inzi: Juniad, Mushy and me try to convert Bob to pray five times like good Muslim mujahid Tableeghi and said to him look how well Rana ball after keeping almighty beard …
Interviewer: But Rana was terrible with the ball!
Inzi: Because Bob not convert!
Interviewer: What nonsense!
Inzi: No, you nonsense … if Bob become Muslim Pakistan surely inshallah, mahshalla win cup!Interviewer: You mean to say since Bob did not become a Muslim like Muhammad Yunus, you lost?
Inzi: Yes. Very unfortunate that he now dead without becoming a Muslim.
Interviewer: Well, what about you? Your career seems dead as well.
Inzi: Bismillah-ur-Rehman-ur-Raheem, firstly thanks to Pepsi and Lifebouy and promotion in Tableeghi Jamaat, Allah has given me many money …
Interviewer: So why not build a hospital or a school …
Inzi: Inshallah, Mushy, me and Juniad plan to build mosque and madressa in Lords ground.
Interviewer: What? Why a mosque and why on the Lords Cricket Ground?
Inzi: Because last night Mushy, me and Juniad have dreams in which Bob in white shalwar and green shirt and white, white wings told us to build mosque in Lords …
Interviewer: But Bob wasn't even a Muslim!
Inzi: Rumors, lies, propaganda!
Interviewer: So, you're saying that he was a Muslim?
Inzi: In our hearts he was Muslim …
Interviewer: Yes, but in his heart he wasn't.
Inzi: Yes, that's why he die of heart attack!
Interviewer: Inzi, sorry to say this, but for long it has been noticed that with all this Tableegi thing, you and some of your boys have started to lose not only your form, but your grip on reality as well …
Inzi: Yes, but my boys prayed well and I talk metavetabally.
Interviewer: But who the hell cares if boys prayed well!
Inzi: Bob.
Interviewer: All he cared about was you guys playing some decent cricket!
Inzi: Are you saying my boys are indecent? Firstly thanks to Tableeghi Jamaat, all boys now naik and clean and decent …Interviewer: But what about the boys' cricket and form? Not very clean and decent. Inzi: Yes but boys prayed well and Bob drop dead.Interviewer: Sigh. Okay, tell us what was you biggest achievement as captain?Inzi: Bismillah-ur-Rehman-ur-Raheem, firstly thanks to Almighty Allah, many boys of team now have beards, and now they all go to heaven when they too die like Bob.
Interviewer: I see. You know, Rameez said that knives await the Pakistan cricket team when they come back, but I think instead of knives, usteras, razors and scissors will be more appropriate.
Inzi: Usteras are ban in my team. They are haraam. Look what happened to Bob? Interviewer: What happened to Bob?Inzi: He died.
Interviewer: We know that.
Inzi: Yes. It was a shaving accident!Interviewer: What nonsense!Inzi: No, you nonsense!Interviewer: And it's not your team anymore. You're out, gone, finished!
Inzi: No, only Bob gone.Interviewer: In a recent statement, Junaid Jamshed said he hopes Bob recited the Kalma before he died. What sort of talk is that?Interviewer: Good talk, good talk … all boys say Kalma … we also tell Danish to say Kalma as well …
Interviewer: But Danish is Hindu. It's like Dravid asking Irfan Pathan to do the bhajan!
Inzi: Yes, yes, I like bhaaji also …
Interviewer: So what next? Who do you think should be the next captain?
Inzi: Saeed Anwar.
Interviewer: But he retired four years ago!
Inzi: Yes, I know … I also learn math in madressa …
Interviewer: Never mind. Thank you for talking to us, Inzi. And good luck.
Inzi: No, thanks to Almighty Allah …
Interviewer: Yes, Him too.
Inzi: You are good Muslim. Here, have a Pepsi.

Wassalam